Hi everyone. I’m hoping for some outside perspective because I’m genuinely confused and starting to doubt my own judgment.
I’m a 28F, and my boyfriend (35M) and his close friend (32F) both believe some texts I sent recently were inappropriate or aggressive. Since they both agree, I’m assuming I messed up — but I truly don’t understand how. For context, I’m autistic, and I often need very explicit explanations of social norms or subtext that others find obvious. I really want to understand what went wrong so I don’t repeat it.
Some background: My boyfriend (I’ll call him “Alex”) has been close friends with a woman I’ll call “Lena” for many years. Before Alex and I started dating, there was some vague “will they / won’t they” energy between them, but nothing ever actually happened. Alex has been very clear that he’s not interested in her romantically, and I believe him.
That said, their closeness has occasionally been uncomfortable for me. For example, they used to spend every Christmas together with Lena’s friend group. During our first year dating, Alex completely forgot that we had made holiday plans and booked flights to spend Christmas with her instead. I didn’t make a big deal out of it at the time. On that same trip, Lena tried to hold his hand once while she was drunk. It never happened again, but it did stick with me.
Fast forward to this January. Lena came to visit and stayed at our place for three days. Alex and I talked in advance and agreed that he’d spend the first day one-on-one with her, and I’d be included for the other two days.
On the second day, I told Alex that I was feeling off because of a medication issue and planned to sleep in. I suggested they go get breakfast without me and that I’d join them afterward. He agreed. I told him I’d be up by 11 at the latest.
I woke up around 10:30 to an empty house, which I expected. At 11, Alex called and asked if I wanted anything from the store on their way back. I said no, thanked him, and assumed they were heading home soon and would pick me up so we could all hang out.
Then… nothing.
Hours passed with no updates. I waited, assuming they were just finishing up and would be back any minute. Eventually, I started wondering if I’d misunderstood the plan or if something had changed. I finally texted to ask what was going on.
Here’s roughly how the exchange went:
Me: When are you coming back? Will I see you at all today? I thought you were just getting breakfast.
(About 20 minutes later)
Alex: We’re thinking of taking a walk by the river. Do you want us to pick you up?
By that point, I’d already decided I shouldn’t just sit around waiting anymore. I had things I needed to do and had stepped out for a walk myself.
Me: It’s okay, I’m already out now, and after that I’ll probably work on job applications and errands.
Me: For context, though — I might’ve wanted to be included earlier in the day, and I’d still like to be included around dinner at least, if that works for everyone.
Alex: We’ll all do dinner together. Lena just wanted to stop at a few places after breakfast.
Alex: I’ll include you in anything you want.
Me: Okay, thank you.
Later, Alex told me that my messages came across as aggressive and inappropriate. He showed them to Lena, and she agreed with him.
That honestly floored me.
From my perspective, I was trying to calmly explain that I felt a little disappointed about being left out earlier — without accusing anyone, raising my voice, or turning it into a fight. I wasn’t angry, and I wasn’t trying to guilt anyone. I understood that plans changed and that it wasn’t intentional.
But clearly, that’s not how it was received.
So my question is: what exactly about my messages sounded aggressive or inappropriate? Was it the wording? The timing? The fact that I expressed disappointment at all? How could I have communicated this in a way that wouldn’t be perceived as hostile?
I’m not trying to prove that I’m right. If I messed up, I want to understand how — specifically — so I can do better next time.
TL;DR: My boyfriend and his close female friend say my texts expressing mild disappointment came across as aggressive. I don’t see it, but since they both agree, I want help understanding what I did wrong and how to communicate more clearly in the future.