Throwaway because I don’t want anyone from my old life finding this.I don’t even know why I’m typing this. I guess I just need to get it out somewhere because I feel like I’m disappearing.
I’m 26M. Two years ago I had an apartment, a steady job in logistics, and a girlfriend I thought I was going to marry. Nothing fancy, nothing crazy, but it was stable. I used to complain about how boring life was.
I would give anything to go back to boring.The company downsized. I told myself it was fine, I’d find something better. I had some savings. Then my girlfriend left because “you’ve changed.” I guess I did. I got anxious. I stopped sleeping. I stopped being fun.Savings ran out faster than I thought. Rent got late. Then really late. I kept telling myself next month I’d catch up.There was no next month.
Now I sleep in my car behind a 24-hour gym I can’t afford to have a membership to. I shower maybe twice a week at a truck stop if I can scrape together enough cash. I rotate the same three shirts and hope nobody notices.I used to be the guy people called reliable. Now I can’t even reliably keep my phone on. Service shuts off every other month. I sit in parking lots using WiFi pretending I’m just scrolling like a normal person.
I miss being normal. I miss having somewhere to go at the end of the day that was mine. I miss cooking dinner. I miss hearing another person move around in the next room. I miss not thinking about where I’m going to park so I don’t get knocked on at 3am. My parents both passed when I was 20. Cancer six months apart. I always thought I handled it well. Turns out I just stuffed it down. When everything else started falling apart, I didn’t have anyone to call.
Friends drifted. Everyone’s busy building their own lives. I don’t blame them. It’s just weird how fast you go from “we should hang out soon” to not existing in their world. I tried calling some hotlines. They give you numbers. Those numbers give you more numbers. Shelters are full. Waiting lists are months long. Everyone sounds tired on the phone.I’m tired too.
I wake up and my back hurts from the seat. My feet are cold. My stomach’s empty more days than not. I tell myself this is temporary. But I’ve been telling myself that for a year now. What scares me isn’t even the situation. It’s how used to it I’ve gotten. Like this is just who I am now. The guy who parks strategically. The guy who eats dollar menu once every two days. The guy who smells faintly like sweat no matter how much deodorant he uses.
I wanted such simple things. A steady job. A small place. Maybe a dog. Maybe one day a kid. Nothing extravagant. I didn’t want yachts or fame. I just wanted routine. And somehow I fumbled even that. I look in the mirror at gas stations and I don’t recognize myself. I look older. Harder. Like someone who made all the wrong choices even though I honestly tried.
That’s the part that kills me. I tried.I applied everywhere. Warehouse jobs, retail, temp agencies. I get interviews, then nothing. Or they want an address. Or they want reliability I can’t prove because my car barely runs. I feel like I’m trapped in a loop. I don’t want sympathy. I just want to not feel like a ghost in my own life. Sometimes I sit in the driver’s seat at night and imagine what it would feel like to just stop fighting it. To not wake up cramped and hungry. To not calculate gas mileage like it’s oxygen.
I don’t know if that makes me weak. Maybe it does. But mostly I’m just tired of feeling invisible. I miss my mom. I miss my dad. I miss having someone who would notice if I didn’t come home. Anyway. I don’t know what I expect from posting this. Maybe nothing. Maybe just proof that I was here at some point. If you see a silver Honda parked near a grocery store late at night, maybe that’s me. I’m still here. For now.