I’ve reached the point where I no longer want to be friends with him, but I’m struggling with how to clearly say that in a message.
We became friends earlier this year, so this hasn’t been a long-term friendship. That said, he was present for me during a very intense mental health crisis I experienced toward the end of summer.
In late August, I attempted to take my own life. Through emergency therapy, it became clear that the crisis was connected to an abusive and violent relationship I escaped two years ago — something I had buried and never properly addressed or reported.
When everything surfaced, I told him about all of it. He knows exactly what I went through.
I don’t see him as a perfect person, but I’ve always believed that people shouldn’t be defined only by their worst moments. He shared details about his divorce, including the incident that led to it. He discovered his ex-wife with another man and reacted violently, attacking the man with a baseball bat. As a result, he no longer has unrestricted access to his children and can only see them under supervision from her parents.
He often talked about how devastated he felt about his kids. I tried to stay neutral and encouraged him to cooperate with the conditions so he could remain in their lives.
Everything changed last week.
We met at a pub for a casual catch-up and a drink. He brought up the situation with his ex again, but this time I told him that I understood her perspective. I said I could see why she wouldn’t want her children exposed to someone capable of violence. I asked if he regretted what he had done.
His response was immediate and chilling: “He was in my house.”
There was no hesitation. No remorse.
He suddenly became furious. He raised his voice, blamed everything on his ex-wife, and when his drink was finished, he stood up and said he was going to get another.
Every instinct I had screamed at me to leave.
The moment he walked away, I left the pub and went straight home. I messaged him to let him know I’d gone and told him honestly that he had frightened me. He replied right away with a numbered message telling me what I had done wrong — that I shouldn’t leave without saying something, that I shouldn’t invite him out and then disappear.
I repeated that I left because I was scared and asked him not to contact me again. I’ve had to say that more than once.
I cannot allow violence in my life anymore, especially from men.
I would really appreciate help figuring out how to clearly and safely word a final message telling him I don’t want any further contact.
Thank you in advance.
Update
Thank you so much to everyone who took the time to respond. Your messages genuinely helped me find the courage to act.
I sent him a short, direct message:
“Hi. I’m reaching out to let you know that I don’t want to continue this friendship. I don’t feel the need to explain further, as you’re aware of what I’ve been through. Please respect this and don’t contact me again.”
He replied almost immediately with, “Fair enough. Merry Christmas.” I muted the conversation afterward, as many of you advised.
I’m especially grateful for the recommendation to read The Gift of Fear. I plan to buy it as soon as I can. I’m becoming more aware of how trusting I’ve been and how important it is to strengthen my boundaries.
One comment in particular helped me connect something I hadn’t fully understood before. After my attempt, I kept wondering how I reached such a breaking point when I’d survived so many low moments before without wanting to die. It’s clear now that I had allowed another man into my life who shared disturbing similarities with my former abuser — simply because I didn’t want to be alone. Being around that same type of energy again re-opened wounds I hadn’t healed from and pushed me into crisis.
I hope this story reaches someone else who might recognize themselves in it.
Thank you again for the kindness and support.